Snow White: Catcher in the Rye
by Enma Mitsukai
Summary: This is something I wrote in a half hour for English class. My final project for Catcher in the rye was to re-write a fairy tale using Holden's voice and Mannerisms. I think I did good. Any thoughts? Rated T for Langue


**Snow White**

Home was nothing special. Not at all really. I mean evil step mom, tons of people have those. She is so God damn annoying. It's really depressing really, when she talks about herself. I usually just digress from the conversation. But her halitosis is so unbearable it draws me back in depressing me further.

So one day I'm just minding my own business in the God damn garden when the Hunter, the Queens damn assistant, comes over to me and says there's something special in the woods. I wasn't excited or anything. In fact I was blasé to the whole ordeal. So we get to woods and I ask him what's going on and all of a sudden I turn around to find him holding a god damn ax above my head. I wasn't scared, not really. Just more depressed. I was very nonchalant about the whole thing.

He dropped the ax and said something about not being able to do it. I don't know. It just made me more god damn depressed. I just looked at the poor bastard. He was depressing me. He got back up on his feet and told me the Queen wanted me dead. That was nothing special. Lots of people wanted me dead, really. What was one more?

The Hunter said it was because of my beauty. I wasn't anything special really. I mean I'm actually pretty below average. I mean, Black hair, snow white skin, blood red lips…not really attractive, not really. The Queens unscrupulous acts lead the Hunter to offer to get my things. I really didn't need them, not at all. But he went back to the Castle incognito anyway.

A couple hours or so latter he came back with a small bag. I had waited hours in the gad damn cold for him and all he comes back with is a sash and this bag. I wasn't mad, not really. Just depressed. These items were immaterial to me, but I took them anyway. Then he led me to a cave to stay the night in and left.

He left me all alone in a God damn cave in the middle of winter. It wasn't cold not really. But I did feel my fingers going numb. It only made me more depressed. I decided to add the lavish sash to my dress. Maybe a little color would help to make me less depressed. But it only made me more depressed. The damn scarf was ugly, and to make it worse it was really tight. But nothing too uncomfortable, not really. I sat here bored, and depressed. When the God damn sash got tighter, and tighter. It was trying to suffocate me. Damn sash. The God damn Hunter had given me a God damn magic sash meant to kill me. Not like I was important anything. It only made me more depressed. I couldn't breathe and just as I thought I was going to pass out the sash was cut from my waist.

The Hunter had come back. He said he furloughed from the Queens side. I wasn't really happy about it. Not at all really. Now I was stuck in a cold cave with this God damn moronic Hunter. What in the hell was I going to do.

In the morning I was even more depressed. When theses seven little men came walking by. They were depressing. So short and old. They introduced themselves and I followed them, leaving the Hunter behind. He was even more depressing than theses little men.

At their house they said I could hide there for awhile. But I didn't care not really. I mean it wasn't much different from the god damn cave floor. It was Filthy and only depressed me. One of them stayed behind when they went off to work. He taught me in a pedagogy manner how to cook and clean. Then he left. And I was even more depressed. That's when this old woman came to the door. And she was so god damn depressing. Pedaling her apples. So I bought one. I wasn't hungry or anything, not really. But I ate it.

I don't know what happened next. But I do know I woke up to some god damn guy kissing me. That was depressing. Then he said something about the Queen being dead. Which didn't really matter to me, not really. I got on his horse and we rode off. God damn I was depressed.


End file.
